Men With A Past
by kittyandstars
Summary: Olivia breaks down when Amaro joins thir squad. The past they had brings up some feelings. Not mention elliot just leaving and the real reason he left still being covered up by IAB. Will she be able to juggle everything?or will everything change E/O O/N
1. Chapter 1

A Man with a past

Disclaimer: Sadly, :( I do not own SVU. That goes to NBC and Dick Wolf.

Personal Notes: I noticed only one other Amaro fics on here so I decided I'd write one my self. Enjoy and Review! Unless noted part 1 of the chapters are the Olivia's POV and Part 2 is Amaro's

Chapter 1 Part 1 : Announcements

" You don't know where you're goin' but you wanna talk." - Coldplay- Talk

I wasn't to tired for the first time in a while since Elliot left. As hard as is it had to except it- but it was harder to hide the real reason he left. Because IAB had determined the shot was clean- but something else wasn't.

I walked up to my desk at exactly 7:00 am- coffee in hand. Sitting down on the old cheap gray chair- I looked around- Munch was already there- reading a book called_ "The secret hidden Bush files." _At least something was constant. Fin was at his desk texting on his Iphone 4S- he was so excited about buying that- Fin was secretly kind of a Techie. He wouldn't admit to any one though.

Not much was pressing case wise so I thought I would take this time to catch up on paper work.

After about and hour and a half paper work Cragen walked out his office- happier than usual I thought but still haggard.

"Everybody-we're getting a new member of the precinct and I hope you welcome him. He's a transfer from Bronx Homicide. Detective Nick Amaro, Welcome to the squad!" A holler of welcomes filled the room.

Everything was spinning- I could never forget that name. How can you forget your first and only truly going somewhere requited love. You can't. I ran out of the room into the bathroom and started to cry. What the hell- him why him? Anyone else but him. I pounded on the bathroom walls. And sobbed.

I don't how long what was but the next thing I know Munch burst in the room.

"What the hell happened in there- you cried like this guy murdered your mother. Get a hold of your god damn self! Your a cop and a damn good one- what the hell did he do to you." Munch screemed.

" SHUT UP! First off and second its what we did to each other. We dated from 11th grade- through college and then through academy. I hadn't seen him in a long time and some emotions came back. God damn you John." I said softly so people wouldn't here.

I cleaned up my face and went out to the room. I motioned Amaro into the back room. I need to talk to you- I told him.

"Listen I'm sorry I reacted that way. It... I,, it..itsjustthatihave... a lot emotions regarding you, well you and me." I said pointing quickly at him then me.

He then reached in and kissed me- in a way only one other person had kissed me before. In the way that made your heart stir and tears well up to your eyes. I started to kiss back. I then flung my arms around his shoulders and resaw my self as young and in the academy- no regrets and no worries. I had been waiting for this to happen.


	2. Chapte 1 Part 2

Chapter 1 Part 2

"Will you catch me cause me fallin down on you. "- Counting Crows- _Round Here _

I was excited and nervous to be transferring- I thought while watching the 4 am news. I was getting ready to run. I have to keep up my physique some how if I eat like do. That and I love the views of New York. As they say once a New yorker- always a New Yorker.

I ran up and down the streets- gun in belt and ID. The stress melted away for a while0 until I realized what next Monday is- the day I hired that male stripper to serve my wife the divorce papers. She cheats on- me and wont admit so she's out. What kind of dumb ass belivves his stay at home wife needs a private yoga instructor in the bed room 3 days week. I wanted to shoot my self. Hell, it was wonder I didn't. At least there was no kids involved. I hate kids sometimes.

I came home from my run at about 5:30- then I got dressed and left. I really wasn't in the mood to see my hoar of wife. I'll kill time by riding the subway.

I used to ride the subway as kid. I taught my self about life- and crime that way. My mom who would either be shooting up or "servicing" a "client" and no either way wanted nothing to do with me. So for about 30 cents I day I had entertainment and warmth when I wasn't at school. It was on the subway I decided I was gonna be a cop. I was 9 at the time. This guy came up and tried to rape a woman- then an NYPD officer came up and took him off the woman- I wanted to be that guy. The guy who saved people. I followed the officer off the train and down to the precinct turned out he was a homicide detective. I went up to and said "Whats you name? Mine is Nick and I wanna be as brave as you one day." He said "My name is detective Alex Lanski. You get as brave as me by working hard and taking care of yourself- no matter what belief in yourself- it doesn't matter where you've came from. Trust me. And if you ever need anything here is my card. Take care of yourself kid." He bent down and ruffled my hair. I still have his card in my back pocket. He was first person to tell me I could be somebody or do something. I ended up tracking him down. He died in 9/11. I wont ever forget his messy hair, shiny white teeth, and strong shoulders. I wonder if he ever knew I made it. I hope so.

I turned the tattered card in my hand before I put it back in my pocket and got off the subway. I had a coffee in my hand. It was a little bit early and I realized I missed the stop. I heard a a skreetch and then I realized what had happened- There was a jumper. Shit- can't you kill yourself in a private place. And dont horrify the public-make sure there is another train going on the other track.

Even for a homicide detective the scene was kind of gruesome when I pushed everyone out of the way. And I knew I was going to be late- when the evacuated everyone and brought in a clean up crew. That would be the worst job ever- speaking of jobs I'm a half hour late already. Why Does this shit always happen to me.

An hour and 1 smashed up body later I finally arrived at the station. The nervousness was kind of hard to deal with by now. I talked with cragen and then hew walked me out into the main area. That's when I saw her. I could never forget that face. I truly could not forget that face no matter how hard I had tried over the years. It was Olivia Benson. I loved her- I think I still love her. The only woman who I truly thought I would die without was standing 10 feet away. As a detective. In my precint. What the hell.

The room was spinning and I really didn't know what to do. All these people were in front and the one person in the room who mattered just ran out of the room. I stood there for about 5 miuntes and had cragen show me my desk before I went back there and talked to her.

She said all this shit about feelings- I cant remember what. But I leaned in and I kissed her. Something about that moment- I would never forgive my self if I didn't kiss her. Something happened. I didn't know what but I felt alive for the first time in along time. The first time I felt anything real and whole since the attack. An actual emotion that wasn't the kind the pills on the counter stopped from feeling. A real emotion. Something real. And she kissed back. It was easily a beautiful moment. Something out of a movie- but in a way less than perfect life. It was a wonderful moment to feel an emotion.

I knew I couldn't let this go. I couldn't let one more thing slip through my fingers- like my mom, and my dad, and the chance to meet Alex, and how I let Maria slip through my fingers. Everything I ever had had been lost. I was determined to not let this be one of those things.

All of the sudden she flung her arms around my shoulders. And something irreveecable had happened at that moment.


	3. Chapter 2: Coffee and Subways Part 1

Chapter 2: Coffee and Subways: Part 1

"Speak to me. Be near me"- Kelly Clarkson -_Haunted_

Notes: Thanks for all the rave reviews! I had the part 2 down this morning but the internet was being weird and it wouldn't let me upload :( I had to wait till I got home. O I am ignoring the fact Amaro had a kid. I didn't want to mess with a kids life- anyway enjoy and review! Ive been writing so fast! Expect a chapter about a day- more on the weekends. O next friday i have a day off from school so who knows how many I'll get done! I love all the postive reviews- much appreactiated- reviews weather good or bad help me write better. Any way enjoy and rate and review! ~~~Allie ^.^

I don't know how I could comprehend what just happened- a man I hadn't seen in 13 years just kissed me. And I loved it. What the hell and he couldnt of come back 3 months earlier.

"What the hell Nick- What the hell. Who the hell do you think you are to just go and kiss me like that. Who the hell does that?

I leaned in and kissed him. I acted like there was no tomorrow. I can honestly say I had never done that before I just started kissing him. Pressing my lips hard against his. I oushed him down onto the spare bed and he started to take off his shirt.

"Wait- stop. I- we can't do this. Not here- not now. I'm sorry." He told me.

" No- I'm sorry. I shouldn't of done this. My god- I feel like a total ass hole. I don't want you to think I'm like _that._" I said- embarrassed tears pooling in my eyes and running down my face.

"Listen- It's not like I don't want to. I DO- but not here." He said. Then he took his hand and gently wiped the tears off my face.

"Olivia go back out there. Wipe your face and I'll do the same. Let's meet for coffee after we get outta here." Nick said while putting his shirt back on. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and left. Walking out to face the people.

I sat down on the bed thinking of what an ass I just made of my self. Do I have to screw everything up or can one day go by with stuff going right. I started to cry. Again- and no munch walked In- no fin, cragen, no anyone. I walked out of the room. Everyone was joking and laughing- even Amaro.

I thought of this memorie in my mind it was right before we started college. We were sitting on a subway at 4 in the morning. We were running away from our Mom's- both addicts we had for our mothers. Fathers out of the pictures. There was tattered green blanket over us. We were the only one on the train. We were sitting on the long seats on the side of subway train. I had on gray sweatpants and big hoodie and was leaning up against his chest with a Starbucks under the seat- next to a vintage dull lime green suitcase full of everything I thought I would need. I smiled and buried my nose into his soft hoodie. I had never been happier- ever. I wanted that sweet innocent relationship and happiness again. I started to cry again before I walked out and sat at my desk. I couldn't lose him again- not this time.

I got a text from Amaro- _"coffee you and me 5 am tomorrow. :)"_ I replied _"Its not cool for a grown man to go like :) in a text. I can't wait. ;)." _

That is when we looked over and smiled at each other and knew what was going to happen.


	4. Chapter 2 Part 2

Chapter 2 Part 2

" O and I don't know, I dont what he's after but he's so beautiful,he's such a beautiful disaster."- Kelly Clarkson- _Beautiful Disaster _

Notes: I've been writing in the morning but the internet I have in the morning (mom's office) wont let me upload. I know this is random but last night's episode looked so good. Anyway enjoy and review!

I set my keys down on the counter with a jangle. My hopefully soon to be ex-wife was out doing god knows what or _who._ It was hard not to let the divorce thing get to me. I knew things were going down hill since the attack. The flashbacks were terrible and she thought I was overeating.

_I could feel the knife blade run slowly down my neck. "Cops- we don't like cops. And we don't like the informants either. You gotta go- "Amaro" that's your real name. So stop lyin'- I'd tell you to tell the truth but it's little late for that." The masked figure told me. He took the knife in a little half circle before pulling the knife out. He blew the blood off the knife and said. "See you in hell.- Bitch" I could feel the warmth of the blood around me. I said a quick prayer and then passed out. The next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed._

I woke up on the couch- I had a cold sweat all over and was shaking. I had another flashback. I could of sworn that it was real. The flashbacks were father apart but still happening. I hated it- I hated having to feel the pain and the warmth of the blood every day. At one point every hour.

About 2 months after the attack I was diagnosed with PTSD and Depression. They gave me pills and therapy. It helped a little bit. But I was a different person- I think. More somber. The guy who did it was shot about a month later- I investigated his death. I then traced the long scar on my neck with my finger. It hurt sometimes- the scar. I knew I would never forget what happened.

I feel asleep on the couch. I woke up at 4 am and got dressed. I then got on the subway to meet Olivia for coffee. I was still in shock over the flashback- it was one of the most vivid ones yet. It was times like this I was jealous of that jumper. Times after I had flashback. Times when I felt weak and horrible. When I thought I wasn't a man cause I had to have those pills. I thought I was going to cry on the subway.

I walked off the subway feeling a little bit better knowing I was going to get to see Olivia. The coffee shop we were going to was Kitty Koffee. (Don't ask- they have really good coffee- and cats- I love cats.) I ordered a Extra large black coffee with a shot of dark chocolate syrup. I waited for her to show up.

She showed up about 10 minutes late.

"Olivia- Sit- I got you a coffee."

"Listen I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't of made that many advances it was wrong. I'm sorry." She said.

"It's ok- I just think we should take it slower than that. I don't wanna f anything up." I replied.

I took both of her hands we held them clasped along table. So our arms formed two sstraight lines across the table.

" I agree- completely. One question did you ever marry- I never did," Olivia said to be with the sweetest look in her eyes- hopeful yet fearful at the same time.

"Yes- we are getting a divorce- she cheated on me." I replied.

"I'm so sorry- that must be hard."

"It isnt easy- I'll say that." I told Liv, and it shure as hell wasn't easy.

She quizzically looked at the scar on my neck. She then ran her finget delticatly tracing the curve at the end of the scar- even the sadistic curve at the end and the little point that dotted the end where the knife cut deeper than anywhere.

"What happened to your neck?" She sounded concenered for me.

" Let me tell you about it outside ok." I told her, sounding solemn. I pused in my chair and walked out said. She followed quitely.

We walked up to bench where you can see the sunrise over Manhattan and sat down. It was cold- like it was the night it happened.

"I was knifed. By a drug dealer when I was undercover. I almost died. He found out I was a cop. And pushed me downed to the ground. He then started to slowly knife my throat. Even adding the little sadistic curl at the end. It hurt like hell- somebody found me. IT was almost two late I lost about 3.5 pints of blood. He slit my jugular. I'm lucky to be alive- only for a while I didn't think so. I devolved PTSD and depression- they had to put on meds. I'm still on them- it's the reason my wife left me." I said- in a strong and depressing voice.

"I'm so sorry that that happened. Why the hell would your wife leave you for that? I'm sorry" She said sounding truly sorry about what happened to me. "Did they get the guy?" She added.

"He was shot a month later by a rival dealer. I investigated his death to think that tax payer money was wasted on that sic scum son of a bitch makes so sick." I added sounding furiously enraged.

She reached over and gave me a hug. "it's ok- its gonna be ok. I won't leave you again- I wont let that happen to you again." She said in a calming, carrying emotional voice. She was rubbing my back and I just buried my head into her shoulders- hot tears were running down my cheeks.

I won't consider my self a weak person- but certain things stir emotions in me. I wouldn't be phased by a dismembered and brutalized 12 year old- but this, this whole thing was really getting to me. I didn't really know what to do at that moment. So I did all could do-cry- for what was lost- for what was gained and for what of could been in the last 12 years.

Notes: Whew! Finally got this up! For some reason I seem to love to imagine Amaro crying for some reason. Weird. Anyway he seems like a character who would have emotional pain surrounding his life/backstory. And I promise some Elliot appearances soon. Thanks again for the reviews. You guys are awesome. I promise another update soon.

~~Allie ^.^


	5. Chapter 3: Part 1

Chapter 3: Part 1

"I snapped... I laid hands on her." - Eminem ft. Rihanna- _Love the way you lie_

A/N: Got this up, phes. O and once again thanks for all the lovely reviews. And mi giving a for-warning. This chapter has some semi-graphic descriptions of violence. Don't say I didn't warn you. It would defiantly still be T though. Nothing more than seen in an episode of SVU.

~~~Thanks, Allie ^.^

O his neck- his poor neck. The scar stretched his whole neck with that horrible curl at the end. I felt so bad. If I could only of been there for him. His head was buried into my coat. I could feel the tears well up. Its amazingly easy to forget that other people can be broken,too. That you aren't the only one who has been screwed over.

"we're taking the day off. And going to my placce- we can watch movies call cragen/- you have the stomach flu. I have the flu."

"are sure this is right?" Nick asked.

"No not really but who gives a damn." I told him

After placing a few cars we got on the subway train. I snuggled up against his chest rubbing my hand across it.

"Nice place you have here." He told me.

I reached up for his coat. I took it off. I started to kiss him. I really didn't know what had came over me at that moment in time- but I couldn't help myself. He took off his shirt- it was like last time, but on my couch and there was no "stop I can't do this know." In fact neither of us said anything.

The next thing I know I opened my eyes and I saw the clock 2:48- it was dark. Either there was an Apocalypse and New York was dark at 2:48pm or we slept 21 hours.

"Nick-wake up." I said to him hazzily.

"No- I dont wanna. He took his arm around and pulled me closer.

"It's been 21 hours we've been asleep." I to++-d him my voice louder.

"No it hasn't you just don't want me to leave." He joked in this sleepy happy laugh.

"No- I don't want you to leave. I just don't want you to get fired. For showing up late." It was hard to keep this serious-ish tone when I wanted to just to lay there forever.

I took my blackberry and flashed the time in his face.

"I guess your right," Nick said rubbing his eyes.

"I should probably get- up." He said standing up and getting out from under the blanket.

I had 11 texts on my phone, and 3 missed calls. All from elliot. O my god Elliot- what have I done what have I been doing. This whole time. Elliot.

I got dressed and went to text him back. All the texts said the same thing. "Call me. Please."

All the sudden I heard a knock at the door. I drew my gun and told Amaro to stay back. I opened the door with my gun drawn to be on the safe side.

God Damn it. It's elliot- what the hell. Amaro- o my god. He will there's no point in lying.

"Put the gun down- bitch! You have some god damn explaining to do- about the guy in the corner."

"You.. your scaring me- Elliot. Can y"ou leave here- your nuh.. longer welcome here." My voice was quivering. He was acting so out of character. I in 12 years of being partners had never seen him like this.

"Amaro call the cops- please- please."

The next thing I know he walked over to me and rolled up his shirt. He started punching the wall. I was terrified. I took 3 slow steps back. I could see the gaping hole in the wall.

"Elliot Stop!" I screamed as loud as I could.

He walked up to me, then threw his fist into my face. I could feel the hotness of the blood pooling in my cheek. I attemped to say help-stop-stop but all I did was helpelserepsjffewjifoj and have a lot of blood fall out my mouth, my jaw must have been broken- it wouldn't move . He walked away for brief moment and got my gun. He shot it off. Into my couch.

"You god damn lucky that wasn't you." He was so angry. I could feel blood and hot tears running down my cheeks. He started kick me. He picked me up and flung me against a wall. I could feel my self flying through the air blood coming from places on my body. I could feel a flat painful sharp pressure against my back when I hit the wall. I slid lifeless like down the wall. Everything so hazy and painful and couldnt really tell what was happening.

The next thing I know the police burst- full suited in kevlar with guns drawn.

"NYPD PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPONS. HANDS UP EVERYONE HANDS UP!" One of the officers yelled. The lights were turned on.

"O my god- it's Stabler, Benson and Amaro." An officer exclaimed. I saw someone arrest Elliot.

"Take Benson to a bus- make it quick she looks really really banged up." An officer yelled. Then I passed out.


	6. Chapter 3: Part 2

Chapter 3 part 2

A/N: Sorry for the two in a row short chapters. I just felt like I needed to let this part of the story out and then continue onto the next part ( it gets better I promise.) And if you haven't noticed the song quotes there at the beginning of each chapter. It's from what I'm listening to when I write or a favorite of mine. I list the artist and then the song. Theyre good songs I think. Feel free to google them. And the detective Allie character is kind me injected into the story. So enjoy!~~~ I'll update tommorrow morning. (or try to!) ~~~~ Thanks for all the reviews and Enjoy! ~~~Allie ^.^

"Just because I'm doesn't mean I'm hurting."- Coldplay- _Lost!_

I saw him through against the wall. I didnt know what to do. It all happened so fast and then the police showed up. I felt week and help less. The next thing I no they too me in a cop car to the hospital. I was told to wait in the family grieving room. I started to sob out of guilt.

"I could of done something- this is my fault. I started banging my fist on a table. After god knows how long of doing odoing that a doctor came back.

"She can see you now." He said, calmly and professionally.

We walked down a dim, sterile hallway. I saw a sign above that said ICU. I started to panic in my mind.

She didn't even look like Olivia. Her one eye was swollen yet, the other was black. Her jaw was wired shut. There was cast on her right leg and left arm. Stitches in several places, and bruises everywhere. I started to cry I felt so guilty. So god damn guilty.

I left the room. Then I saw them wheel a stretcher down the hall. It was Elliot. IF he didn't already look down for the count I would killed him. Violently and slowly. So many thoughts ran so my head. Like why the hell what they _Treat_ that son of a bitch? Why the hell did he do that? Tears were running down my face. Then I heard a nurse say "We have another cocaine O.D. I need a ventilator help help he's not breathing!" Elliot Stabler had been on cocaine. That must of been why he was fired. The shot- the shot was clean.

I had never felt so dizzy and confused in my life. I could not yet begin to comprehend what the hell just happened. I needed to talk to someone. I pulled out my blackberry.

"Munch- I need you. Olivia's in the hospital. Please please come to Mercy General."

"Who is this," Munch asked sleepily on the line.

"Amaro," I replied on the verge of tears.

"Give me 15 minutes." He said and hung up the phone.

I paced around the cafe for about 15 minutes until a haggard Munch showed up.

"Thank you for showing up," I said.

"No problem, new guy," He said in a very munch like way.

"What happened to her?"

"Elliot beat her up. It's really bad. I saw it happen I was-" I told munch, but was interrupted by the arrival of a detective.

"I'm detective Ross- but you can call me Allie." The detective was kinda-tall had longish moose brown hair. Willowy and thin- she had on a black trench coat and and gray slacks.

"Hello detective Ross- er Allie. I'm detective Amaro Manhattan SVU.- call me Nick."

"I'm Queens Homicide- I was wondering if you could take a statement for the Benson assault case. I heard you were a witness." She said brushing her hair behind her ears. Hr voice was deeper and rougher than someone who looked so delicate would be expected to have.

"Sure should we go to your precinct?" I asked.

"Ya- I have a car with me let me take you. Its the 5-7."

We walked out to the car- an unmarked one.

The sun was starting to rise- what time was it? What _day _was it?"

We pulled up to the 5-7 a little bit after dawn. It looked much like our precinct- almost exactly like it. I was lead into and interrogation room.

She got straight to business- setting up a tape recorder and swearing me under oath. She set up a tape recorder and started to interview me.

"For the record, state your name." Allie, said.

"Nick Amaro."

"Describe the events leading up to the attack."

"Me and Olivia were sleeping on the couch. She wakes me up at 2:48 am. I get off the couch and go off to the corner to find a t-shirt to put on. She went to the bathroom and came back out. There was a knock on the door. Olivia drew her gun and opened the door. It was Elliot Stabler. He said "Put down her gun bitch." She put down her gun. He started to beat her up and then threw her against a wall. Then the cops came. It all went by so fast." I told her.

"Can you tell me the names of the people you saw in the room, when Olivia was attacked" Allie asked.

"Me, Olivia Benson, and Elliot Stabler." I told her.

"Out these three people who attacked Olivia?" She asked.

"Elliot Stabler."

She turned the tape recorder off and said thanks. We walked out of the precinct- she took me back to the hospital.

I was sitting in Olivia's Room at the hospital for 4 straight days until she was released.


	7. Chapter 4 Part 1

Chapter 4 part 1

A/N: I tried to make this chapter a little bit longer. I hope you guys like it! And thanks for all the reviews, its really nice to know that people are actually reading it! Once again thanks and enjoy and review! ~~~~~Allie ^.^

"Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness and a hallo of patience... I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes."- Pink- _Crystal Ball_

It was wonderful to be able to eat solid food- and be back at work. 8 weeks with my jaw wired shut and 4 weeks at home doing nothing after that. 12 weeks doing nothing at home was boring.

I noticed everybody was acting like I was suddenly more delicate. Just because something happened doesn't mean I'm a weak piece of shit. I feel fine- perfectly fine. I have been getting some bad stomach aches though, but only in the morning. My stomach started twist and everything started to spin, I felt nauseous and queasy- like I was going to throw up.

I got up from my desk and ran to the bathroom and threw up. I heard footsteps behind me.

"Liv are you ok?" I could hear fin's voice say.

"Ya- I'm fuh...fuh.. uh..fine." I mumbled. Was I actually fine- No. But I wasn't going to tell fin that. I was getting worried this was 3rd time this happened this week.

"Hello- I was wondering if I could make an appointment with Dr. Smith?'"

"Yes. Either works. Sure." I'll be there at 5:30 tonight."

"Thanks have I good day," I said after all that and I hung up the phone. I worked till about 5 and left to go to the doctor.

The waiting room in the doctor's office was bleak- with cheap red print chairs with those little plastic arms. I tapped my feet nervously on the ground. I think deep down inside somewhere I knew what was going to happen but couldn't bring my self to think it.

My thoughts were interrupted by a Nurse going "Ms. Benson the doctor can see you now." In that calm polite voice. She led me down the poorly industrial lit hall way and into a room. She weighed me and took my blood pressure.

I had gained 9 pounds. How could that happen with me not being able to eat solid for 8 weeks. This really didn't make any since at all. 9 pounds- 9 freaking pounds. They took my blood pressure and checked my throat and then she said the doctor will be back in a few minutes.

I was nervous- how the hell did I gain 9 pounds. The throwing up- o god no. I'm Imagineing things again, I think. That's not even possible. No- You're crazy I thought to myself.

I heard the click of door handle, he walked and sat on one of those little wheely chairs.

"What brings you into today Miss Benson?" He asked while clicking a pen.

"I've been getting sick in the mornings- and not feeling well, I've been feeling tired and weak." I told him, nervously pushing my hair behind my ear. Then I choked out "uh... and uhh... I think I'm late.' I said in a quite, trembling voice.

"I think we should run a pregnancy test." He said- in this matter of fact in personal tone. HE had the nurse come in and clean off my arm and draw blood. I was shaking- I couldn't stop shaking. This can't be happening. I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry in public- I was stronger than that.

The wait for the test to come back felt like hours upon hours. In reality it was only a mere 10 minutes.

"Congratulations Miss Benson, you're going to have a baby!" The doctor said cheerfully,

"What do you mean _CONGRATULATIONS_ how the hell can you say congrats- like I'd Be god damn happy about this. What the hell is wrong with you!"

I started to cry in my hands. Like a little girl- my life was finally starting to get back to normal- and now this. I mean I've always wanted kids but not like this! I didn't know what to do.

"I'm so sorry I just said that to do. I was just in shock with the news. I'm really really sorry." I told Dr. Smith.

"It's ok. This can be quite a shock. The first thing you need to do is make an appointment withh an OBGYN. And remember you do have options."

"Thank- and once again I'm sorry." I told him and walked out of the office. I picked up my phone.

"Nick- I need you. Please. I'm sitting on a bench in Central Park. Please Hurry." I told him over the phone- barely able to hold back the tears that running down my face.

"I'll be there soon. I love you." He told me.

"You too." I told him. I then hung up the phone.

It was getting harder to hold back the tears. They were streaming down my face. Burning and stinging my eyes as I tried to choke back the sobs. I could mascara and eyeliner in my eye. That didn't help the burning of my eyes. It was getting harder to hold back the sobs. They started to come out in big gulps. I couldn't stop them. I sat there- alone in the dark on a park bench sobbing. Like a scared little girl.

About 15 or 20 minutes later I saw Nick walk up- he must of heard the sobs cause he started sprinting.

"Oh my god- are you hurt? What happened."

I stopped sobbing long enough to say- "I'd sit down for this." He then sat down on the park bench and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Nick I'm pregnant. You're the father."

"Oh Olivia- It's ok. You love kids. We're gonna be ok. And I'll be with you every step of the way. I'll what ever I need to. Why are you crying?" He said before wiping the tears from my eyes. Don't cry. It's ok. EVERYTHING is ok."

I did one of those just cried now laughing or have a sudden surge of happiness smiles/laughs.

"You mean that you're going to be there for me?" I said with hopefully, eyes and a timid voice.

"What else what I do? I love you. I wouldn't think about doing anything else. I wouldn't ever abandon the woman- and child that I love." He said, with such happiness in his voice. He reached over and rubbed my back. It's ok- it's gonna be ok."

"I don't think you know how much this means to me. I thought for sure you would just leave."

"How could I ever do that, I love you. I wouldn't leave you if you literally pushed me out a door. Nothing will- or could EVER change that." He replied, in the sweetest voice.

"Thank You- just thank you." I replied to him, laying my head down on his chest.


	8. Chapter 4: Part 2

Chapter 4 Part 2

"I'll gladly climb your walls if you meet me halfway."- Kelly Clarkson- _Be Still _

A/N: Sorry for the short Chapter. I just wanted to get it posted. Sorry about that. And Olivia being pregnant isnt't well told from Amaro's POV. ~~ Allie ^.^

I was pretty sure I just promised to be there for Olivia and a baby. I had no idea what the hell I just got my self into- and I know I didn't want out of it either. I told live to stand up and put my arm and her shoulder to walk to the subway. We went back to her apartment- I think we need to talk about things- but that can be left to the morning.

She walked into her bedroom and changed. Walking out in a t-shirt she was stretching over her self. "Nick- I am getting fat!" She exclaimed sounding jokingly annoyed.

"You. .. Now stop it!" I told laughing at the same time. Kissing her on the cheek- I said "Night." I think she was already asleep.

I woke up the next morning to the dawn rays of sunlight streaming into the window. I decided I would surprise Olivia on this delight Saturday morning with breakfast in bed. I walked into the kitchen and started by making coffee. I brewed a pot in the little coffee maker. Next I made a some pan cake batter- and chopped up some brew berry. Then I scrambled some eggs. There was a tray under neath the sink and put everything on the tray. It was only 8 am. I decided to wait till about 8:30. I sat down and watched the news before waking her up.

8:30 rolled around and I woke her up.

"Good Morning Olivia. I made you breakfast." I told her.

"Aww that is so nice. Thank you." She told. Then she motioned for me to bend down. She then gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Listen- eventually people are going to notice that I'm pregnant. What will we tell people at the squad? I'm worried." She sounded genuinely scared.

"I don't know. I never thought about that." I said sounding kidding of stumped, and in thought.

There was a pause for a few seconds and then I said " The Truth, tell them the truth."

"What do you mean tell them the truth?'" She asked, in this voice like I was stupid for suggesting it.

"I mean- answer questions truthfully. But don't offer to elaborate." I told her.

"I think your right..." Olivia replied back to while drifting off into thought.

" O and one more thing. Marry me."

"Did I just hear say Marry me?" She said sounding kind of confused.

"Yes- Mary me. Now."

"Yes- Yes of course I will." She said sounding happy.

"Wait you cant just decide to randomly get married though." She said now sounding sad.

"Yes you can. There's a thing called a courthouse."

I went to get out my pajamas. I just put on jeans and button up. I saw Olivia walk out wearing jeans, boots, and a t-shirt with a brown leather jacket over it.

"I Guess were going to get married", she said and laughed.


	9. Chapter 5: Part 1

Chapter 5 Part 1

"I found Something Beautiful. ."- Needtobreathe- _Something Beautiful_

A/N: I don't know where the good section of New York is that has a brownstone. Sadly, I do not live in NYC- even though I wish I did. So if accidentally say where there house in the nice part town is actually some horrible part- I apologize. Also there is probably only going to be a few more chapters, but I'm writing a sequel.

"You never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine."- Adele- _One and Only_

"Are you sure we should do this. It feels rushed." I said, with this tone that sounded sad and hopeful at the same time.

"I think you have a point. I think maybe we should talk some things over first. It's a big deal to be married, you know. I think maybe we should just get a place first." Nick told me.

"You, Nick that's smart. I want our kid to have everything we never did." I said sitting down on the couch in the main area, setting my coffee cup down. He then sat down on the couch next to me.

"Can you get my Macbook. It's in the middle top drawer on my desk." I asked pointing to the desk.

"Sure." He got up off the couch and pulled out the sleek computer, and handed it to me.

"I think we should buy a brown stone. In the city. I don't want to raise our kid in the _suburbs._" I said suburbs like it was a dirty word.

"I agree- No body likes the suburbs. Not even the people who live there like it." Nick replied.

I never did have the dream of raising my kids in the suburbs. I don't know how anyone could- I hate the suburbs. There is a reason I wasn't a Westchester cop. I thought this inside my head.

"What about Brooklyn- the good part of Brooklyn." I suggested.

" I like that," He said lost in thought.

A brownstone in Brooklyn- it sounded like a cheesy Christmas movie. But maybe that wasn't such a horrible thing- to be happy, In the classic sense. Not to just be happy when there isn't any pedophiles that day- Not just happy when there more horrible molesting stories to listen to for that day. But to be happy personally, happy when I came home- versus just Watching the TV and falling asleep on the couch- But to be personally happy.

I had been alone for so many years it was weird to be not alone. To not reply horrible case stories in my head with the TV on background. To think that I would have a kid that would depend on ME. ME of all people. Baby that reminds me I have a sonogram tomorrow. I think we can find it if its a boy or a girl. Really I just want a healthy baby- but I kind of hope it was a girl.

I decided to help Nick look at houses online for a while. And be happy with what I've got. It may not be perfect but it was way good enough for me.

"Oh Nick- what would I ever do If you had left." I said leaning up against him. I rubbed his back, while he googled houses and apartments. You can't raise a kid in a one bedroom apartment- for long at least.

I thought about everything. The baby and just everything- moving., having a kids. It was just all so much at once. It was a lot at once, you know. A lotta changes. All at the same time.

The rest of the Saturday went by much the same.

I woke up early on Sunday morning. I was nervous. I woke Nick up at 8 to go to the doctor. I was excited to find out if it was going to be a girl or a boy. We walked down to the subway together he had his arm around waist the entire time until we got there.

I waited in the waiting room. I was nervous and excited. They called me back into the room.

It was dark and small with a little screen next to the chair that you lied down in sitting up at a small angle. There was a little doctors stool next to the screen.

"Hello Miss Benson, are finding out the sex today or keeping it a surprise?" The lady asked in a nice professional voice.

"I want to find out, Right Nick." I said. Nick was holding my hand.

The lady took out the bottle of squeezy, gelly stuff. And squirted it on my belly, which is getting bigger. Which kind of bugs me. It wasn't like a supermodel rail-thin but I wasn't fat either. I mean I never was bigger than a 6 or an 8 in pants. And now I was like a freaking 10 or 11. It annoys me. Apparently my thinking took longer than I thought it was because the next I new the the Itsa of "It's a girl! Congratulations!" The lady said.

"Oh Nick we're going to have a girl. Give me a hug." He hugged the top of me so he wouldn't get goopy.

"What should we name it I mean her? I'm so excited!" I said to him barely being able to contain the excitement in my voice.

" I think we can discuss this later." He said, laughing out of what I believe to sound like happiness and contentness.

When we walking out of the doctor Nick turned to me and said "You know that I really love you right."

" I do know that. And I hope you know that I also really love you."

"That I do." He said back. Then we walked to the subway with his arm around my waist.


	10. Chapter 5: Part 2

Chapter 5 Part 2

A/N: Sorry for the not updating, I've had a very tiring/hard/horrible/ few days. I haven't had ANYTIME To write. I am however off for the next 3 days. Once again I'm sorry. I've been quite stressed. So I'm sorry. I felt bad for abandoning you guys. So enjoy. ~Allie ^.^

"It's hard to see the pain behind the mask."- Martina McBride- _Concrete Angel_

A girl I was going to be the Dad to a little baby girl! I was almost in a state of shock you know, like this is big news. It all of the sudden felt so real now. I mean it's not like I thought it wasn't real

to know that it was going to be a girl, wow. It was materializing or something I almost can't describe it.

I can tell you one thing if this kid breaks the law we will know. It would almost kind of suck to have two parents that are cops, cause you couldn't sneak ANYTHING passed cause they would know. My mom was clueless- er high. I should say why give credit when it isn't due. And my dad was god knows what my dad was or who he was doing- I mean I have to have half brothers and sisters somewhere.

I wanted to give my baby the family my kid never had- a mother and a father who love each other. I'm not saying you can't be normal with out that, trust me. But when I was a kid, my only wish on the birthday cake I would buy myself each year was for a family who loved me- or to be taken away by CYS. I just wanted to be loved and wanted. I think at the end of the day everybody wants to be wanted and loved and have someone who would notice if they didn't come home. And I had finally had that.

I sat in joyful silence on the subway with Olivia laying her head and sleeping on my chest. So I had time to reflect on these things. I wanted to have a mom to call and be like "Mom you're gonna be the grandma to a little girl," I guess that desire for loving parents never really ended. But it was too late for me so the best thing I could was make sure my little girl would have loving parents.

When it was our stop on the subway I woke Liv up. "Liv wake up," I said gentl while lightly shaking her shoulder.

"wuhh uhhh did I faaaaal asleep?" She asked while yawning in the middle of fall.

"Yes sweety you did. And we have work tomorrow!" I said teasing her.

"I'm tireds!" She said joking back.

When we got home she fell asleep on the couch and I watched tv. They totally romanticize things on cop shows. Let me tell you it is not that easy, I thought after flipping to CSI. And in a city as big as Vegas the crime scene unit is NOT the same as homicide or what ever the hell those overpaid actors "investigate.", everybody knows that.

I started thinking of my parents- or just parents in general. It still hurt to know that I wasn't welcome, to know that I was never wanted to know that I was just a mistake. A mistake that was resented for somebody's whole life. Do you know how hard it is to have never felt wanted.

I might of become a cop because of Alex- but I become special victims because of me. I wanted to give kids like me a chance to feel wanted and loved. It was hard growing up feeling like that. I started to get tears well up in my eyes. I may look so strong from the outside but on inside I sometimes I feel like I need to have someone rescue me like I rescued all those people. Cause even the people who rescue other people need a little rescuing of their own sometimes. It was times like this when I didn't feel like a man when I felt worthless and abandoned- I had even made so much progress, too from when I used to feel like this all of the time to just some of the time and then to rarely and this was one of those rarely times.

I sat on the bed thinking of my mom. I wished I could of saved her. I try to make up for not being able to "save her" by saving others I think. I didn't have to be a cop- I could of been what ever I wanted. I went to college on a full academic scholarship. I just wanted to make a difference to the kids who lived like me. I hope I get to do that in SVU. With that I fell asleep at around 3 in the afternoon.

The morning was a blur- I remember waking up Liv and riding with her to work the first thing I can truly remember is Cragen saying we have a case.

I got in the car with Liv and followed the directions it was to Mercy Hospital. My guess is a

rape victim. The hospital looked grim and bleak. The doctor lead us back into the vic's room. I got a little bit of a shock when I saw her.

She had dirty blond hair pulled back into two braids. There was dirt on each of the braids. Her dress was torn and there was tear stains on her face. There was a cast on her arm and stitches all over her body. She looked like she was about 8 years old.

The doctor motioned us into the hall. "It's 8 year old Alyssa Ramirez The neighbors called 911 they heard the screams. Her parents were hitting her- physically abusing her. Apparently its been going on for a while. She has multiple unhealed previous fractures- she's been banged up pretty bad for what seems to be most of her life. It's horrible- please please help her." Tears started to well in the doctors eyes at the end.

"I will die before I let this little girl slip through the cracks." I said with determination in my voice. "So don't worry." I added at the end. And I meant exactly what I said.

A/N: I'm sorry this chapter is a little angsty and said but I haven't had the best few days and am feeling angsty and sad. So sorry about that. And on SVU last night I revealed Amaro did have a kinda sad past but not as sad as what I wrote it in earlier. Thanks for reading ~Allie ^.^


	11. Chapter 6: Part 1

Chapter 6 Part 1

"You're still an Innocent"- Taylor Swift- _Innocent _

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. I can honestly say when I started to write the first chapter the day after trick-or-treat that in 11 days I would have had 35 reviews (at the time of writing this) I might of laughed in your face. So as I write this with Law and Order in the background with Jack McCoy yelling through the TV. I just want to say thanks. So I as sit and eat Ramen noodles at 8:36 in the morning on my day off with nothing but the TV and my cat to keep my company- Thanks. I'm defiantly the most productive when everyone else is slumbering. So enjoy and review! Thank you again-

-Allie ^.^ P.S.- Now there is 36 reviews! WOW!- Love you guys!

"

That poor girl- Oh my god. That poor girl. I hate child abuse cases- I hate them. They break my heart every time. I can handle most things- most horrible things without batting a eyelash but not child abuse. It gets me every time. I thought of my own kid. I hope I never see her like how that little girl looks right now. What kind of sick son of a bitch hurts a child?

"Nick the doctor said that she was going to be able to be released today." I told him.

"I think we should take her back to the station and get her pizza, you know be nice and hope she tells us what has happened and happened." He said.

" I think that's a really good idea. She probably is sheltered and shy."

" I bet so too." He said and then we walked into the room.

"Hi Alyssa my name is Detective Olivia Benson- But you can call me Olivia." I told her while kneeling down on her level.

"My Name is Detective Nick Amaro- but call me Nick."

"Hi Nick and Olivia. My name's Alyssa Ramirez- but you can call me Alyssa."

"Hi Alyssa." I heard Nick say.

"Alyssa we're going to take you back to the station and get pizza, cake and ice cream. What's your favorite food?" I asked her.

"I don't have one. Mommy doesn't let me be picky."

"Well then we're just gonna have to get lots of stuff then." Nick told her.

"Ok." She said in that sweet, sing-songy voice."

She hopped in the car and we drove back to the precinct.

I saw Munch sitting at his desk and walked over to him.

"Hey John- I was wondering if you could pick up 2 pepperoni pizzas, 3 gallons of ice cream, and a comfy pillow- preferably in a bright color like pink. O and a stuffed animal." I told him, then handing me my debit card.

"Is it a child vic or something?" He asked while putting on her coat.

"Ya- a bad abuse case." I told him.

"I'll be back with in a half hour," he yelled while walking out the door.

"Thanks," I yelled but he was already out the door.

I walked back into the the holding cell with the bed. The last a kid was here was the kid who saw his mom get killed and then shot that guy that killed his mom.

"Has Nick been talking to you," I asked Alyssa. Nick and Alyssa were sitting on the top bunk swinging there legs over the side.

"Yes we have- His favorite color is blue, he loves cats and he loves to eat pizza." She said in a that innocent sing-song voice.

"Than I guess we have a lot in common -the 3 of us."

"That we do."

"All of the sudden the door burst open and it was Munch with pizza boxes, a blanket, and a big fluffy pillow.

"Look at all the stuff John got you!" Nick said.

"I got 2 pepperoni pizzas, a stuffed penguin, and a big fluffy pink pillow!" Munch said, with un characteristic happiness in his voice.

"Thanks, John!" She said, that sing-song voice broke my heart every time.

We ate pizza and talked for a while and then we had to get down to bussiness.

"What do you think of your parents?" Nick asked her.

"There not nice, they like to hit and throw things at me. And they killed Sidney."

"Who was Sidney?" Nick asked.

"Sidney was my kitten."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Nick said back.

"So your parents hit you?" Nick said.

"Ya- they have special liquid they drink they like to take empty bottles and hit me wih them."

Do your parents ever touch you..." I felt dizzy and then everything started fade and get blurry and the next thing I know-I hit the ground- and everything went black.


	12. Chapter 6: Part 2

Chapter 6: Part 2

A/N: I'm sorry for the short chapter and and I'm sorry its been a few days. There is only going to be One more chapter (part 1 and 2) and then an epilogue. But I am writing a sequel of sorts. Ive been stressed lately and have had like 3 tests in Bio and American History and haven't had much time to write. O and I know the months don't work out. But I kind of got ahead of my self last time. Thanks for reading and reviewing. - Allie ^.^

"You use your heart as a weapon and it hurts like heaven."- Coldplay- _Hurts Like Heaven_

I was talking to Alyssa when I heard a crash. I looked over and saw Olivia lying on the floor. I was suddenly quite scared, what if something had gone wrong with the baby or worse her. I was so scared at this moment- I really didn't know what to do.

I yelled out "call a bus to cragen who was watching us talk to Alyssa.

"I already did." I heard Cragen yell back.

I went to see if Olivia was still breathing. She was- but she was out cold. I was so worried. I mean its a stressful situation when a vic passes out- but when it was Olivia. I wanted to cry.

All of the sudden the EMT's arrived and put Olivia on a stretcher. They wheeled her out of the room. I followed behind them running out of the room. They loaded the stretcher into an amublance. It was such a blur. Everything was such a blur. I just wanted to know what was wrong with olivia. I really was about to break down. I hopped in a squad car, turned the lights and followed the ambulance. My hands were shaking and a cold swat kept dripping down my face.

It only took a few minutes to get to the hospital. They rushed Olivia in the door and then passed the triage doors. And then I was stopped.

"You can't go bac there sir." A nurse yelled.

"NYPD." I said holding up my badge.

"Are you here on a case?" She asked.

"No- I'm not. It's my fiance who just wheeled in there." I said desperation coming out of my voice.

"I'm sorry about that- but sit your ass down in the waiting room."

I walked speechlessly and sat down in the waiting room. I didn't know how much more I could take of this-It felt like I could for the last six months never catch a break. I was sitting then pacing around the room. I kept getting funny looks when ever people saw the gun around my waist.

It had to be 3 hours of grueling torture before I heard anything.

"Is there a Nick Amaro here? Olivia Benson would like to see you now."

"I'm Him, Sir." I told motioning him. He motioned me back behind the doors.

"Are you the baby's father?" The doctor asked. I thought this was kind of an odd question to start out with.

"Yes I am."

" We're going to have deliver." He said half solemnly.

"But she's o.. o.. only 6 months." I said my voice starting to crack like I was going to cry.

"We think the baby has a pretty good chance- Things are getting so much more advanced- I think you can have a hope that it is going to be ok."

" Oh my god. Do you know why this happened?"

" A trauma most likely weakened her embryonic sac and caused here "water" to break."

Elliot. Trauma. Elliot causing a trama. Allie. Detective. Crime. Elliot. Attempted. Murder. Baby. Those were the words that were randomly going through my head as I tried to comprehend what exactly happened in the last 5 minutes.

"The C-Section is almost done."

"Almost done? What the hell? You didn't get me earlier."

" We didn't know if the baby would be delivered alive." The doctor said in response.

" What the hell? You tell me theres a good god damn chance. SCREW YOU!" I yelled.

"Calm down it's going to be ok." He said.

"You calm down. You god damn calm down." I yelled.

The nurse yelled out and said. "You can see her now. Actually you can see them now.

It was Olivia- and she was holding her. They were so beautiful. So so beautiful. I ran over there and started to cry. "Oh Olivia, I'm so sorry. And I'm so so so glad we have her. And she is going to be ok. I love you and her." I'd kiss you- Now if I you weren't in a hospital bed.

"What should name her? Olivia asked."

"I like Alyssa Donna."

" I like it to- but where is Donna from?" I asked with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

"Cragen. Thats were Donna came from." She said.

"Hello little Allysa Donna I promise to never ever ever EVER EVER EVER leave you no matter what- I will always, always ALWAYS, love you." I said to her.

This had to be the sweetest moment of my life.


	13. Chapter Epilouge

Epilogue-

"And the rest is still unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield- _Unwritten_

A/N: I really really really appreciate all the lovely lovely lovely support. This is it. Epilogue. I'm kind of sad to end it but... I am writing a sequel. The epilogue will be a little short because of the sequel. And most of all thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOO much for ALL of the reviews. I really appreciate it. With much love-

Allie ^.^

Olivia Had never been happier. She looked around. New house in the city, new loving husband, and a new HEALTHY beautiful little girl. Alyssa was now 6 months- and out of the hospital. She was doing so well, Olivia couldn't of asked for more. She sat down on the couch on that saturday morning at 5 am with Alyssa and said to her, "I couldn't ask for more at this moment."

Nick had everything going for him. New house, new wife and new baby, he thought early that Saturday as got out of bed at 5 am and walked down the hall to share that observation with Olivia.

Elliot was sentenced to 15 years in prison for his assault on Olivia. Alyssa ( their daughter) was birth defect free and was healthy. Alyssa there victim is now thriving in a lovely foster home, and her parents our severing 483 years+ plus life without payroll for murdering Alyssa's sister. And life was well for everyone.

Once again, Love you guys- Allie ^.^

P.S. I should have the sequel posted in a few days or so. I probably will get a beta reader for it so it might be longer. I don't know the title but in the description it will say "Sequel To A Man With A Past." And the chapters will be longer instead of so many short ones.

Once again, Thank you thank you thank THANK YOU so much for all the reviews and the support. I just wanna say thanks espically to

Kwolf 716 and Sister of the Light for faithfully reading and reviewing each chapter faithfully,

So thanks guys.

And thanks to everyone else who reviewed including, Lucky4Sam and AussieHeeler, and lots of other people, I really do appreciate it- really.

Now I am off to go get ready to watch SVU, (YAY!) and sleep. I hope to have the sequel up in a few days.

- Love, Allie.


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